Chapter 30: Indecision
The party was winding down. I was quite drunk at this point, and was wandering the halls of Myrddhin House. I was looking for a bathroom. I found what looked like the door to a restroom. I checked the handle. It wasn’t locked, so I opened the door.
“Not again,” I muttered.
Leon stood in front of me, pulling up his trousers. Lynn was putting her bra back on.
Lynn looked up, “Not again.”
I looked away, “At least I didn’t interrupt you this time.”
“Yeah, we’re done,” Leon said.
“Ren, get in here and close the door.”
I did as she asked and faced away as they dressed.
“So, now you know what a harlot I am.” She whispered.
“Harlot,” I said, “Good word. Applies to me though. Not you.”
“But I’m marrying Prince Wulfric. And I… with Leon.”
“Are you engaged yet?”
“No.
“Are you doing the deed with anyone else right now?”
“No.”
“Then you aren’t a harlot. And, I want to be clear, you wouldn’t be worth less in my eyes if you were promiscuous. There is nothing wrong with that. You know both our fathers’ have mistresses. We even know their names. You know both our mothers have boys on the side which they keep. This is normal, and there is nothing shameful about it. The nobility only makes noise about it if you fraternize outside your class. Society would say there is shame involved, but society is dumb as a bag of wet mice.”
“Wet mice?” Leon asked.
“I heard somebody else say it once and it got stuck in my head. Not the point, Leon. The point is that what society will judge as immoral is different from what is immoral.”
“And do you think you know the truth?” Lynn asked.
“I understand the barest fraction of it. You both are adults, capable of giving consent. You both gave consent. Nobody withdrew consent. And you harmed nobody by your actions. How can this be immoral? How can this be shameful?”
Lynn didn’t answer. I noticed her eyes glistening.
Leon pulled his shirt over his head, “Lynn, you are noble. You are sacrificing the rest of your life to a man you despise and fear. And you are doing it for the greater good, asking nothing in return. I would prefer you not sacrifice yourself like this. I would prefer you find another way,” He paused, and then flushed, “Not that you need to read anything into that. I mean that as your Duke of course. But, I was saying. You’re giving everything to protect Ys. Don’t for a second think that seeking a little pleasure for yourself undermines that. I respect all you have done and all that you are.”
That did it. Lynn started crying. It was an ugly cry; full of hiccups, sniffles, and noses blown into handkerchiefs. Lynn pulled us both into a hug and held us there as she cried.
“I don’t deserve friends as good as you. Leon, in another lifetime I would marry you in a heartbeat. I’m so sorry about everything.”
* * *
Exhaustion had its claws in me when I finally returned home, carrying my heels and leaning on my cane.
Amy met me at the entrance.
“Lady Ren, you look dead on your feet. Let me get those shoes. Would you like to lean on me?”
I nodded and she took my shoes. I put my arm over her shoulders, and she wrapped her arm around my waist. And together we hobbled up to my room.
As she closed the door, Amy asked, “So how did the evening go?”
“It was good, except for when I was almost kidnapped, but it was tiring. Oh, and I need to ask you about something. I've stumbled across Leon and Lynn in intimate circumstances twice now. She’s told him outright that she would marry him under different circumstances. I’m pretty sure they’ve already, well you know. What should I do?”
“What do you do? Why would you have to do anything? And wait, Ren sweetie, can you go back to the part where you said you got kidnapped?”
“Almost kidnapped,” I said. “Leon saved me. If I liked men, it would have been very romantic. I actually understand why Lynn likes this one. Which makes for a nice change. How do I help them get together?”
“Ren, you’re rambling. Are you sure you’re okay after a kidnapping?”
“An almost kidnapping.”
“What does an almost kidnapping look like?” She asked.
“One guy grabbed me from behind. Another grabbed my legs and then they tried to run off with me,” As I said it, something felt off. I felt sick to my stomach. I dropped to my knees. “Amy, I’m feeling sick. I may be about to have another vision.”
Amy knelt and put a gentle hand on my back, “Maybe. I think it’s more likely that your brain realized what happened to you. You were assaulted. You were almost kidnapped. That can traumatize a person. And you ignored it. So, it sat there, waiting to catch you.”
“But I’m fine,” I muttered. Then I coughed and something shifted in my stomach. I pressed a hand over my mouth, “Maybe fine is pushing it. But I can manage. What do we do? How do I help Lynn?”
Amy stood up and walked three steps away. She stopped but kept her back turned.
“Ren. Do you even notice how much you talk about Lynn?”
“What do you mean?” I looked up.
“You talk about her more than you talk about Fiona or me. And I assume that you’ve never been as intimate with Lynn as you have with either of us. You talk about Lynn more than you talk about yourself. And by the Gods, you were nearly kidnapped tonight. And you’ve been talking about what Lynn does for fun, nonstop.”
“I haven’t been intimate with Lynn at all.”
Amy ignored my comment and continued, “Do you see how that would bother a girl? My girlfriend talks about somebody else all the time. You can see how that would make a girl jealous?”
“Yeah, I do. But this is different. I’ve known her forever.”
“That makes it worse, not better, Ren,” She said.
“What do you want me to do? Are you asking me to choose? Because that doesn’t feel fair.”
“Please don’t talk like I’m asking you to give her up. I’m not. Lynn is a wonderful person. But Fiona and I deserve more of your time and attention.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I changed the topic, “How would you react if somebody discovered us like that?”
Amy turned around and crossed her arms. She screwed up her face, and then she sighed, “I’d have to be honest about my feelings and offer to resign. I know the scandal our relationship would bring. Not for me. I’d be marked as a harlot, but that wouldn’t carry over to my family. I am reaching above my station, after all. People understand that. But you are reaching down. And the shamefulness of that would taint your family. And so I would offer to resign.”
“Wow. That’s a lot.”
“And Ren, what about you? What would you do?”
“I hadn’t figured that out. But after your answer, I know. I would abdicate. I would give up my position in House Octavian so we could be together.”
“That would prevent you from courting Fiona,” She pointed out.
I hadn’t considered that. And I paused, “If we were exposed, I wouldn’t want to leave you to suffer the consequences alone. I’d be choosing between you either way. And I couldn’t abandon somebody willing to do so much for me. I’d abdicate.”
“I appreciate that Ren. And I hope we never come to that.”
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