The Husband Poisoning Society, Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Red Eye

One Month Earlier

One egg yolk. A pinch of salt. A pinch of pepper. A splash of Worcestershire sauce. A splash of hot sauce. One ounce of gin. I closed my eyes and downed the drink in a single gulp. The egg yolk slid down my throat in a wet spicy lump. I remained sitting, eyes closed, head bowed. 

I sat at a small table in the bedroom I shared with the two women in my life. Coal heated air warmed the room, and the coal smoke rolled across me smelling like a dirtier cigar smoke. 

“Last night was a mistake.” I announced in a voice like cracked pavement.

My dachshund Quincy pawed at my leg as I slumped in my chair. I scratched his ears, and his tail fluttered with excitement. 

“I did warn you about Scythian snake vodka.” Fiona said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“You also reminded me that Scythians look at mild drinkers as weak in spirit.”

“Indeed. But I was not encouraging you to get in a drinking contest with my uncle. He is more bear than man. I have never met anyone who can keep up with him when he starts drinking hard.”

“You have now.” I said, trying not to sound smug.

“I have. But I think you are paying for your achievement.” 

“But I made a good impression? Didn’t I?”

“You impressed my family to no end. You did talk more about your late father than I expected.”

I coughed, “Did I? I don’t remember.”

“I did not know how much he hit you. If he were still alive, I would kill him.”

“Is there a quiet place where I can go to die?” Amy asked, her voice emerging from behind me.

“Speaking of people paying a price to impress my family.” Fiona said.

“I can’t imagine vomiting on their hunting dog made a good impression.” Amy said.

“To the contrary,” Fiona said. “They expected little from somebody so polite. You astounded them.”

“Even with the vomit?”

“You had another drink after. That more than made up for the vomit.”

“I needed something to wash the taste from my mouth.” Amy answered. 

Fiona chuckled, but didn’t say anything further. 

“How are you doing?” I asked Fiona.

“Dreadful. I have a hangover that could kill a wyvern stone dead. And even looking at food makes me nauseous.”

I opened my eyes and looked at Fiona. My fiancee stood, her outfit clean and her ink black hair neat and tied back. She wore a pair of cream breeches that clung to the curves of her legs. She wore a navy blue clawhammer jacket over a white poet’s shirt. Her poet’s shirt hung open down to her belly button, exposing her cleavage. She looked her usual unflappable self. I looked at Amy. Like myself, my other fiance’s short cinnamon hair was not done. She wore her powder blue nightgown and a pink housecoat over top of that. She was still adorable, but ill kept and haggard. I also wore my nightgown and housecoat. My blonde hair lay in a tangled mess of curls. I didn’t bother looking in the mirror of the vanity. I hadn’t cleaned my makeup off last night, and knew that my face must look like a warzone. Amy’s makeup looked rough and she wore very subtle makeup. I favored dramatic colors and the effect of sleeping in my makeup was likely to be far worse.

I looked back at Fiona. 

“Your discipline’s a force to behold. I would never guess you were hungover if you hadn’t told me. And if I hadn’t seen you pass out drunk after round five of the snake vodka.”

“I can not prevent the discomfort. I can prevent the discomfort from showing. In any event, you two must do your best to make yourselves presentable. Leon is coming over in official capacity. Lynn is with him. A message arrived late last night. We were, we were indisposed at the time.”

“He’s coming in official capacity?” I shook my head to clear the cobwebs. “It must be our new job. There’s no other reason for the Duke to visit us right now is there?”

“Indeed. As Duke, he could inspect my county at any time. But there is no particular reason for him to do so now. The message says that he is bringing a guest. Although, I suspect client would be a more apt term.”

“Are we going to make a good impression like this?” Amy asked, running her hands through her hair.

“Industrial grade alchemical cleansers and purification potions.” I said. “Get Wentworth.”

Fiona shook her head, “I was taught to endure my hangover and not waste potions on such trivialities.”

I considered, “I can bear it. I have experience. Amy, can you manage?”

“I won’t be as chipper as I’d like. Leon might notice. Lynn definitely would, given how long I worked at Castle Octavian.”

Fiona considered, then nodded. “We will make an exception today. I will have Wentworth fetch the appropriate potions.”

= = =

“Lady Monique Voxcaelli is to marry Duke Siggis Leifson. I will introduce you in a moment.” Leon said as we sat in the drawing room of House Myrddhin. Periwinkle blue and ultramarine blue dominated the room. The designers had painted the cabinetry in ultramarine. The painter then overlaid gold leaf in floral patterns. Fiona had ordered the many vases filled with yellow roses. The smell of the roses mingled with smells of our various perfumes. I could smell my own anise and cinnamon perfume. Amy’s vanilla perfume blended with my own and made us smell like a bakery. Fiona’s rose water perfume disappeared into the smell of fresh cut roses. 

“Another marriage to a Hyperborean?” I said, “Didn’t we learn our lesson last time?”

“My objections were overruled.” Leon took a sip of tea and then continued. “I’m only one duke, and only one vote. So we are trying this again.” 

“How did the vote shake out?”

“Almost entirely down gender lines. The dukes voted in favor. The duchesses voted against.”

“But if you voted against, how did it pass?”

“Duchess Voxcaelli voted in favor.”

I shook my head.

“Duchess Voxcaelli volunteered one of her cousins to be the sacrificial virgin.” Lynn said.

“Virgin?” I snorted. “She’s Yssian. How likely is it that she’s actually a virgin? We practically invented recreational sex.”

Leon shook his head. “She has sworn to her virginity. I’m not questioning her further than that. It’s a Hyperborean hang up. They can sort it out.”

I looked at Fiona. “That wouldn’t show up in an aura reading would it?”

Fiona shook her head. “A man’s penis is not so powerful that it can change a woman’s aura. But if she is lying and feels guilty about it, that could be detected by a reader such as myself.”

“Can you imagine your aura if it did, dearest?” Amy poked me with her thumb, and I jumped.

“Yes.” I sighed. “I’m never living down my old ways am I?”

“You know we love you.” Amy said, wrapping her arms around me. I leaned in.

“I do know that, lover.” I sighed again. “But I wish my old reputation would disappear.”

“Indeed. But that is not happening as long as the gossip sheets remain in business. They still have not stopped talking about you killing your father.”

“I don’t deserve credit for that.” I said.

“Irrelevant. The papers have given you credit, one more exploit from the She-Wolf of Ys.”

I chuckled, “At least the nickname refers to something impressive now. Rather than being a measure of how much of a bitch I used to be. But, we’re getting off topic. Leon isn’t here for a social visit. He’s here because he needs his spies.”

“I don’t know that consider of us as spies.” Amy said. “We’re more of an investigative team.”

“We are both.” Fiona said. “And Ren is correct. We have business. So a Voxcaelli girl is marrying a Hyperborean Duke. Why does that concern you? And why does it concern you so much that you are calling on us?”

“Forces within Hyperborea object to the marriage.” Leon said. “This is because such alliances make it difficult to justify war. My intelligence network suggests that they may attempt to sabotage the wedding. Or kill the bride.”

“Wouldn’t that provoke an international incident?” Amy raised her hand. 

“That would serve these people just fine. They want war.” Lynn said.”Ys cannot survive a war with Hyperborea. Even if the other nations of the Boro Sea joined our side, our island would be devastated in the conflict. We can’t allow war to break out. End of discussion.”

“Indeed. So would we be bodyguards?” Fiona asked.

“No. I have bodyguards.” Leon said. “You will be part of the diplomatic envoy. We want you to attend the wedding as guests and use your mystic gifts to keep an eye on things. Look for anything out of the ordinary.”

“Then should we bring Vincent along? His gift would be useful, wouldn't it?” Amy asked.

“It would.” Leon said. “Are you comfortable adding a fourth to your team? An outsider?”

“Vincent is not an outsider.” Fiona said.

“We need all the help we can get.” I added.

“Yes. Monique is sacrificing everything to protect Ys. We don’t want that to be in vain.” Lynn added.

“Are you okay with somebody else doing this?” I pointed at Lynn as I spoke.

Lynn shook her head. She leaned her head on Leon’s shoulder. “I don’t like it. I know that makes me a hypocrite. But I’m not fine with other people throwing their lives away. But I can’t stop it. So I’ll do what I can. I’m not leaving another woman without some back-up in Hyperborea.” 

“But once she’s part of a Hyperborean house, what can we do to protect her?” Amy asked.

Lynn grimaced, “We will have to be creative. Come on. Let’s introduce you.”

Leon looked at Lynn in surprise, “Ren knows Monique. They’re cousins.”

I started, but tried to hide my surprise. 

“Fiona doesn’t know Monique. And Amy was a maid last time she met Monique. Introductions are still necessary.”

Leon nodded, “All true. I’ll go get her.“

= = =

Monique stood in front of us, a slight woman. She looked as though she was my age: twenty one or thereabouts. She was pretty with shoulder length black hair and delicate features. She wore a powder blue empire cut dress. She kept her eyes down, and her hands clasped in front of her waist.

“It’s alright,” I said. “We aren’t going to bite.”

“I’m sorry Lady Karen.” She didn’t look at me.

I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair. “Look. I know how I treated you. I know how I treated everyone. I apologize for my behavior. I’m ashamed of how I used to act. Please don’t cower like that.”

Monique raised her head and looked at me through her bangs. She raised an eyebrow. Then she looked at Amy.

“Amy? She really has changed?”

Amy smiled, “I wouldn’t be marrying her if she hadn’t.”

“I’m sorry Lady Karen. I didn’t mean to insult you.”

“And I’m sorry I scared you. Now please, stop calling me Lady Karen. I hate the name Karen. Call me Ren, or Lady Ren if you need to use the title.”

Monique again turned to Amy. Amy nodded. 

“You don’t mind me not using your title?”

“I don’t have a title. I’m an untitled lady. Nothing to brag about.”

“You don’t sound like the Lady Karen I grew up knowing.”

“Good,” I said. “I hate that Lady Karen. I’m glad to be done with her.”

Monique stared at me hard. “What happened to you?”

I burst out laughing. 

What had happened to me was beyond belief. I hadn’t grown up in this world. I’d grown up on Earth. One night my best friend Lynn and I were struck by lightning while playing a video game. We awoke to find ourselves now trapped in the world of the game. And we found ourselves in the bodies of two people from this world. We had become Lady Lynn Octavian and Lady Karen Octavian. Since then we’d done our best to make lives here, with dramatic results. I was now engaged to two women: Countess Fiona Myrddhin and Lady Amelia Myrddhin. And Lynn was now a baroness engaged to Duke Leon Delmar. And so, while Monique might know Lady Karen, she didn’t know me. And I didn’t know her. 

“I was born again, Monique. Let’s leave it at that.”

“That’s an odd term, Lady Karen- Lady Ren.”

“I’m full of odd terms. Nevermind. Ignore me. The important thing is you. You’re the one at risk right now. Hyperborea is not gentle to its wives. Are you sure you want to do this?”

Monique turned and looked at a bookshelf for a moment. I waited for her to speak.

“Ren. Why did you kill your father?”

"He was conspiring against Ys. It was the only way I could think to save Ys.”

“And this is the only way I can think of to save Ys.”

“It’s not your duty to save Ys.” I said.

“Was it yours?”

“There wasn’t anyone else in a position to stop things.”

“And there we are.” Monique said. 

“Indeed.” Fiona said. “Well said. I like your cousin Beloved. She has a strong spirit.”

I nodded, and looked away. “Yeah. She does. It’s going to cost her everything.”

“Is Duke Siggis a bad man?” Amy asked, raising her hand.

“He is a decent man by Hyperborean standards.” Leon said with a cough. “Which is to say, he is a misogynist. He’s been unable to secure a Hyperborean wife, which isn’t great news. It makes me wonder what they know that we don’t. If he acts like most men there, he is likely to ignore Monique outside the bedroom. He will leave the management of the house women to Monique. He may even defer to her judgment as it relates to the house women.”

“But he is still a man in Hyperborea.” Lynn said. “He will be expected to keep his wife under control. And he will be expected to discipline her in public for any perceived missteps. And some Hyperborean men take joy in pointing out such missteps.”

“On the upside, Monique will be Siggis’ first wife.” Leon said. “So she will have as much power as a woman can have in a Hyperborean household.”

“Which is still less than the lowest ranked male noble. Despite her being Duchess.” Lynn said.

Leon sighed, “Yes. I know. I agree with you. I did vote against this. And I would have voted against it, even if you hadn’t asked. You know I don’t like this.”

“You’re rambling dear.” Lynn said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Of course, I’m rambling. I’m sending a young girl into a life of misery and servitude and I’m expected to chaperone her to that fate. I don’t like it. Monique, you don’t have to do this. If you want to flee, I promise I will cover for you. I’ll tell Neriah I have no idea where you went. I’ll hide you in my duchy, at one of my summer houses. You can live a comfortable life out of public view.”

“You’d hide her from Duchess Voxcaelli? Lynn asked.

Leon nodded.

“Your Grace, that is too kind. But what would happen to Ys then?”

“We don’t even know that this will work.” Leon said. He stood and began pacing. “I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for a maybe. You’re a human being. You’re worth more than that. Not that I would be in favor of sacrificing you if I thought this would definitely avert war. You’re still worth more than that. Oh hell. You know what I mean.”

“I have a duty to Ys and House Voxcaelli. This is what duty demands of me.” Monique said. 

“You have a duty to yourself too.” Lynn said, patting Monique’s hands. 

“That is a small thing compared with my duty to Ys.”